Mallory Reynolds: 5 Worst First Dates(Proof that love is dead and dating is a blood sport)

1. The Guy Who Brought His Mom

Mallory thought she was meeting Steve, an accountant who “loved travel and good food.” She arrived at Olive Garden (already a red flag — “When you’re here, you’re family” is not a dating slogan) to find him seated with… his mother. Who was already halfway through a basket of breadsticks.

Steve’s Mom: "I thought I’d just join you two, you know, to make sure Mallory isn’t a gold digger."

By the end of the night, his mom had asked Mallory if she could fry chicken nuggets in an air fryer, warned her about Steve’s “delicate digestion,” and made her split the bill evenly.

2. The Guy Who Ordered for Her… Badly

Mallory met Josh at a taco place because his profile said, “Love to try new foods.” Apparently, “new foods” to Josh meant “ordering for her without asking.”

Josh: "She’ll have the squid tacos with extra hot sauce and the durian smoothie. And she loves when guys feed her, so bring two spoons."

Mallory spent the rest of the night sweating, burping, and wondering if she was going to die of gastrointestinal betrayal. Josh told her she was “brave” like it was a war medal.

3. The Guy Who Was Actually There for the Waitress

Kevin was cute, funny, and charming… until the waitress came over. Suddenly, he turned into a hormone tornado.

Kevin: "Hey, Melissa, if I leave you my number on the tip line, do you have to call me? Like… legally?"

Mallory ate her burger in silence while Kevin slipped the waitress winks that could have qualified as sexual harassment. On the way out, he told Mallory, “You’re cool, but Melissa’s my soulmate.” Melissa later dropped the receipt in the trash without looking.

4. The Guy Who Brought His Reptiles

When Brian said, “I work with animals,” Mallory pictured a zookeeper or maybe a vet. Instead, he showed up with a duffel bag full of snakes. Brian: "This is Lenny, and this is Lucy. They’re my children. You’ll need to pet them so they know you’re safe."

Mallory did NOT pet them. She did, however, watch in horror as he placed a python in the middle of the table at Applebee’s and said, “She loves mozzarella sticks.”

5. The Guy Who Thought the Date Was a Job Interview

Mallory met with Chad, who had the personality of a LinkedIn post. He began the date by handing her a printout of his résumé “for her review.”

Chad: "So, where do you see this relationship in five years? And what are your weaknesses?"

Mallory: "I’m here for the free nachos."

The interview lasted 18 minutes. Chad still follows her on LinkedIn.

Final Thought from Mallory: "If these are my worst first dates, imagine the ones I thought were good. Honestly, I should have just married a bag of frozen chicken nuggets and called it a day."

Save 20% when you buy two or more Chicken Nugget Girl items. Help support my new book and get some hilarious gear!